Varia Photo Shoot
by crimson-bell
Summary: The Varia just couldn't get simple things done properly without any mayhem. Random drabbles. Warning: OOC-ness Rated M for language.


**Day before the Photo Shoot.**

"That damn ass of a boss!" Squalo shouted at the top of his lungs. Breaking a few vases along the corridor as he marched furiously towards Xanxus's office.

"VOI!" Squalo kicked open the grand oak door and stormed into Xanxus's office. "That brat in..."

"Bring me my steak." Xanxus interrupted.

A few veins pops out on Squalo's face. "Ask the servant to do it." Squalo continued. "The brat in Japan wants a picture of the members of Varia for some official shit!"

"And my wine, Trash." Xanxus once again demanded, as he sat on his throne, putting his legs on his desk. Not caring a single bit about work, except to do some little evil planning to get the Vongola Decimo title.

"VOI! I'm Varia second-in-command. Not SERVANT!." Squalo replied angrily. "The brat had already sent in an official letter, so it has to be done!" Squalo continued.

Xanxus, who doesn't care a single word that the shark had just said, threw his wine glass at him. Staining the silvery white hair with red crimson wine. Squalo trembled in anger.

"You are my servant. Scum. So bring me my steak and wine now." Xanxus claimed. Squalo's thin red line snapped. Not that it wasn't already snapped.

"VOI! Are you deaf? I've just said I'm Varia second-in-command." Squalo shouted back. Fuming.

"Huh? Are you stupid or did my glass wine finally managed to do some major damage to your shark brain. I'm Varia's head. Varia is mine. You are Varia's second-in-command. You work UNDER me. You SERVE me. You are MY SERVANT." Xanxus replied blatantly with a smart comeback. Pissing the shark off. "So now go and get me my food. Trash."

"VOI! I'm busying planning the photo shoot right now! And coordinating every single shit mission!" Squalo yelled at Xanxus who doesn't give two shit about anything except his stomach. "GET YOUR OWN DAMN FOOD!" As Squalo finished his sentence, he stormed out of his office, slamming the grand oak door behind him.

Once outside his office, Squalo started cursing and swearing all sorts of fanciful profanities that no one could ever thought of, in all sorts of language he knew of, demanding the underlings nearby to get food prepared for Xanxus. Needless to say, no underlings wanted to deal with either Squalo's or Xanxus's wrath. They took immediate actions once they heard the given order, fearing for their own so called lives. With their back of their mind thinking; Why did the Varia headquarter didn't need any audio system for some announcement?

Cause Squalo's voice can easily cover a radius 5km around him. And how is that even possible? Not when Squalo did trained his one of a superb vocal every single day. Yelling at almost every single things that was not to his liking. For 365 days. It's a miracle that no ones goes deaf in Varia. Especially people working under his unit. Poor guys.

As for Xanxus, no one dared to even think of it. Not that if they still value their pathetic life or maybe wanting to live a little longer. If possible.

"Goddammit! I want the food in his bloody office in 15 minutes time. Or all of you gonna taste my wrath." Squalo announced. With his awing loud voice. "I do not want to deal with his stupid tantrum, blasting anything with his idiotic raging flame which is piling up my paperwo..."

_BOOM!_

Before Squalo could finished his complains, he was sent flying, smashing towards the glass window by a great impact behind him. Wonders. The glass didn't break. Just cracked.

"Fuck! The glass didn't break." Xanxus cursed. Hoping to blast that hell out of a whiny loud shark off the castle.

Squalo was beyond pissed when he heard that one comment. Blood spurting out from his veins. He stood up from where he had landed and stormed into Xanxus's office once again with a what used to be called a door, with just little left of it. The charred and splinted edges and the hinges that was still attached to the wall. But just not the oak part.

"VOI! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!" Squalo shouted out louder than before. Now. Squalo hair doesn't just only have red wine on it, but also splinted wood of the door and tips of his hair were burnt to crisp. Smoke was coming out from the crisp part. He looked like one shark with toasted tail and it was comically stupid with all those splints poking out from his hair. He just looked like a spike-shark. Or sea urchin.

"Toast-smoked Shark. For my next meal. Without the thorns though. I'm having a little mercy on the underlings to prepare the main ingredient beforehand by myself." Xanxus stated blatantly.

Squalo was enraged. His jerk, prick ass of a boss was just being bloody ridiculous.

"VOI! I was ordering the underlings to get your damn high class meal prepared. And this is how you thanks me?" Squalo yelled.

"10 more minutes, Trash. My food better be here in flawless condition, in perfect cooked timing and my wine in a no fingerprint sparkled wine glass." Xanxus demanded. "Or tomorrow photo shoot will be the photo for your wake and tomb." He warned.

Squalo's eyes twitch in annoyance and anger to the max.

"VOI! You did that blast on purpose didn't you." Squalo stated.

"Stop your sissy whining and get your job done. Loud haler." Xanxus ordered. Giving him an ominous stare that all the lower underlings would either faint or pee on their pants. On the spot. But this didn't work on the Varia elite.

"VOI! You Fucktard Boss! ..."

"Mou~ I heard a loud blast just now. What's happening in here?" Lussuria interrupted Squalo in a sing song tone as he walked into the office, examining the mess.

"Oh! Squ-chan. Welcome back. Having a husband and wife fight with the boss again? Both of you should stop that. Is not good destroying the castle you know." Lussuria commented, looking dramatically troubled, by putting one of his hands on his cheeks.

Squalo's rage just went one level up higher as he heard Lussuria's comment.

"Husband and wife? VOIIIII! What are you implementing. I'm not fighting. And Boss is the one who is destroying the castle." Squalo took in a deep breathe and shouted, "ALL THE TIME!"

"Whatever~ I don't even want to hear all your excuses. You're obviously in love with the boss. Just that you're too dumb to notice it. Even though you kept grumbling about him, but you're actions were totally the opposite." Lussuria teased.

"VOI! I'm not. You gay flaming flamingo. One more time. I swear! One more time, if you say I'm in love with that ass of a boss, I'll turned you into minced meat. Squalo yelled, as he threatened Lussuria by placing his sword on his neck.

"Fine~ Whatever you're saying. I'm not believing. I'm going back to my chamber to have a good night rest for tomorrow photo shoot. I have to look good and perfect." Lussuria chirped as he left the office in a smashing good mood, all excited about the photo shoot tomorrow. "Oh! I have to remember to put a mask as I sleep tonight." Lussuria continued.

"Ushishishi... Boss and Squalo. What a weird combination." Bel commented as entered Xanxus's office followed by Fran.

"But it work somehow didn't it. Bel senpai." Fran replied monotonously.

"VOIII! Bel. Fran. One more of that kind of rubbish comes out from your mouth, one of you could be a frog porridge and the other one would be lean meat for sides." Squalo shouted.

"No way, Senpai. Me just stating the truth. Or facts." Fran replied indifference as he continued. "You're always the bottom when pair up with boss. In almost all doujin and fan fics that was spreading really quickly in the castle."

"Ushishishi. Fran's right. You're always the loud bitch. Tactics commander." Bel commented with his creepy prince smile.

.

.

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.

.

.

.

.

Squalo's face slowly flushed tints of red, when he what Bel was trying to implement by being loud.

Bel just couldn't keep his mouth shut. Or more like he wouldn't care what will happen. He's the prince anyway. No one dares to defy him.

Of course. Squalo knew about all the fan fictions and doujins stuff that's spreading in a insanely fast speed in the castle. He was ignorant at first. Not until last month when Lussuria decided to give him one of the most hottest demanded doujin of all times. All characters and personality of how they would reacted to each and certain situation are scary real. The expressions that were presented in the doujin were downright horrifically correct. The drawings. "Oh my! The precision. The beauty. The detail. They're so artistic!" That was what Lussuria commented. Squealing. (And I mean fan girls kind of squealing.)

Nonetheless, Squalo was traumatized. The fact that he was a tad clueless about all of these happening and the doujin. Dear god! The doujin that's he holding on his hands now are absolutely, completely, utterly, perfectly exceeding, surpass any mind blowing shameless explicit material that he ever known, putting all other explicit material incomparable to this one. There are no words for a comparison for this. They were all just understatement.

"Bel! What do you mean by that you shitty brat! I'm cutting your damn head off your body!" Squalo shouted as he stormed towards Bel. His embarrassment turned into anger. His menacing aura rising. Clearly. Squalo's patience has already reached near to the point of massacring the whole of Varia. Bel being Bel. Or a Varia elite. Didn't back away.

"Ushishishi... You wanna start a fight? I'm on it." Bel replied as he took out his knife.

"Idiot long hair senpai. So. Are the fan fics and doujin true? That's you're with boss." Fran stated.

"What I...? What the hell was that!" Squalo snapped facing towards Fran when his brain actually processed that sentence from Fran.

"Ushishishi" Bel snickered. How he like Fran's straightforwardness. Talking this topic with his platonic, innocent face of his.

"Answer? Idiot long hair senpai." Fran inquired.

"Huh? Are you dumb? Of course the answer is NO! No way in hell. Not even when hell freezes over. " Squalo shouted, forgetting that he's going to attack Bel.

"Ok. Me understand... Me will be on punctual for the photo shoot tomorrow. The temperature here is getting ridiculously hot and has been rising in a constant rate for a few minutes ago. Me is going off." Fran finished his sentence and dissipated out of the room.

"Bye-bi!" Bel who also noticed that a particular someone that's in the room wasn't all happy. He had to get out before his ass get toasted. Or his whole being.

"Scum. You have only 2 minutes left for my meal to be serve. Not a millisecond late." Xanxus made his presence known after all the commotion made by his trash underlings.

The truth is, Xanxus was getting a bit irritated by the fact that Squalo just stated clearly 'NO! No way in hell. Not even when hell freezes over.' statement about the relationship thingy. Why? Let's just say Squalo is ignorant about Xanxus's feeling for him and he was hurt by the sentence just now. Squalo is too clueless. Even the whole of Varia knows that Xanxus held some feeling for that silver long hair second in command. No one dare to drop the hint to Squalo though. They care for their tiny winy little life. But not the elites. Just that Squalo is too blind.

"I know that!" Squalo shouted back. "Fuck. If they're late, You should just lift your ass up from that stupid throne of yours and pick up your own. Stupid boss."

With that. Squalo earned himself another blast from the scarred faced, hot-tempered jerk boss. Nonetheless, Squalo managed to dodge the blast directly after years of torturous experience. As expected of him of course. Xanxus wouldn't want a useless underlings under his wings serving him. They wouldn't even survive a day. That is just a waste of his time. (author: Actually, Squalo is the one who takes care of all things in Varia.) Unfortunately, Squalo's hair ends were really toasted this time round. He was very pissed off about that.

His hair. His precious long silky hair were 3 inch toasted to crisp. For nothing.

"VOIII! Do you have any idea it took me how long to groom this hair!" Squalo shouted.

"Trash. I don't care." Xanxus replied, getting annoyed by each ticking seconds.

Squalo didn't get what Xanxus meant. He started ranting.

"It took me 1 and a half freaking long hours in the bath just to wash and condition the hair. Make sure that it doesn't stink and it's perfectly done and conditioned, after years of stress given by your O' so great majesty attitude, burning, and pulling it is putting my hair in condition of split ends and all sorts of possible jeopardy." Squalo complain continue. "There's still a photo shoot tomorrow. My hair have to be in perfect condition. And you just have to what? Give me a goddamn blast that accidentally damage my hair ends! "

This time round, it's Xanxus turn for his thin red line of patience to snapped. Hunger tends to lead people to be snappy and impatient. Only for some. Well. Xanxus just happened to be belonging to this category. And a lot more. Hunger was not the only reason that's he's snappy right now. The before rejection statement plus the annoying loud shark's sissy non stop mantra chanting, it just tripled Xanxus's anger. The stupid shark just hasten his own death wish.

Xanxus put his legs down from his desk, slamming his hands on it while he stands up from his throne. Pure anger were coming out from him. Slowly, he stride towards Squalo.

"w...wh..what do you want?" Squalo stuttered, unsure of what Xanxus going to do. "There's still 1 minute till the time is up.

"Do you think I give a damn about it."

That was Xanxus's reply as he started to beat the crap out of Squalo. Xanxus pulled out his X gun from his coat. Firing at Squalo in all glory. Nonetheless, Squalo managed to dodge all of his aim. Or he won't be second-command for nothing. Seriously. But dodging doesn't meant no harm befall on him. Squalo. Of course went on defense mode due the the rain of bullets.

"What the hell is wrong with you." Squalo shouted as he back away from Xanxus's swift attack.

"PMS-ing " Xanxus growled.

"Huh?" Squalo was stunned back by the answer. "You're not a damn woma..."

"Project Murder Squalo or Permanently Mutilate Sharks. Either one title will do." Xanxus continued. "But I prefer the first one."

Squalo sweatdropped._ Xanxus is officially mentally cracked. _Squalo thought while dodging all the attacks.

"I swear I'm gonna use your pay for all the repairing and renovation fees." Squalo shouted. "Damn those paperwork." Squalo started his own attacks on Xanxus.

Squalo knew Xanxus precious his somewhat red Indian style kind of a long furry tail that's attached to his hair with a few feathers there. Squalo decided to aim for that. Cutting it off from Xanxus's hair.

However, Xanxus managed to dodge it in time. Only half of the furry tail was sliced off.

"Cheh. Missed." Squalo cursed and smirked at the same time. Squalo knew Xanxus would be damn pissed if his so called 'Hair tail' to be chopped off.

"Scum. There's a photo shoot tomorrow." Xanxus growled.

Squalo was once again taken back by Xanxus statement.

Squalo tried his hardest not to roll on the floor laughing his ass off, when he knew what Xanxus is implementing. Somehow.

_Who knows that Xanxus is actually conscious about his look for tomorrow. Oh my Gosh! Hell is definitely freezing over right now._ Squalo thought.

"It's only fair that I pay back to what you did to my hair." Squalo shouted. "Like that?" He smirked, asking that question.

Xanxus was enraged. Freaking pissed. Furious. All that, were just understatement. No one's rage can compare to Xanxus. But somehow, his anger was wiped off in a few seconds. He decided to play along with Squalo. He smirked back, and Squalo saw it.

_Something is really wrong with his brain today. What the hell he's up to right now? _Squalo though, as his hair stands. _I've got a bad feeling about this._

"Oh? No. I don't like it. But somehow your sexy smirk makes it all better." Xanxus complimented. Squalo froze.

"VOI! What the hell was that! You creep boss!" Squalo shouted. Getting disgusted by the compliment. Knowing Squalo would froze by that compliment, Xanxus took this chance and punched Squalo hard in the face.

"urgh... Asshole." Squalo grunted as he took a few step back due to Xanxus's mighty punch. Xanxus then once again grabbed Squalo's hair and pull him closer to his face. "I would love to hit that part of you too." Xanxus whispered his husky voice into Squalo's ears. "And preferably some other parts too."

Squalo knew what he meant and he had gone blue. Sick of what Xanxus is implementing. "You sick pervert! I'm straight." Squalo shouted backing off from Xanxus's upcoming attacks. Squalo regained his posture and started his attacks on Xanxus. Needless to say, both their combat skills are almost on par. Almost. That's one of the very reason that Xanxus is the Boss of Varia.

Xanxus was pissed. Really pissed off. His so called feelings had always been crushed by Squalo just like this. His stupid ignorance.

_He's the second in command. How can he be so stupid. _Xanxus thought. _Maybe I need to choose Bel as the second in command. He's sharper than he looks. More cunning too. Damn! I'm tired of all this stuff._

With this, Xanxus gave Squalo a final blow which landed on his stomach that took his breath that instance and also a kick that made Squalo flew out of Xanxus's office.

"Trash." With this final words, Xanxus rolled his eyes and stride off to his own chamber. As for Squalo, he was all beaten up, laid sprawling on the ground.

"You shit boss. There's a photo shoot tomorrow!" Squalo groaned in pain as he cursed Xanxus. "How am I going to take a shot when my face is all swollen? You ass!"

That night, Squalo dragged himself back to his own chamber and demand his underlings to bring in lots of ice pack for him.

To be continue...

**Author's Ranting...**

The main ff was really angst and sadistic, and it gets really moody after sometime when I wrote it. It's crazy i'm telling ya. Haha... Thus, I wanna to try to write something different this time when I got this idea. This is one of my random drabbles. I got this crazy love for Varia recently and have decided to put it into good use. A humor Fan Fiction about them! (I hope is funny enough. It's really difficult to write.) XD Superbi Squalo is just my all time favourite in Varia. Fran too! He's just too cute to be ignore. I'm just addicted to Bishounen in KHR. Too hot to be ignore and not to write about them.

Dino, Giotto, G, Gokudera, Hibari, Mukuro. *Drools* OH! And not to forget TYL and 20YL Lambo! Irie and Yamamoto have a kind of charisma that you'll get like them somehow eventually.

Alright. Enough inner thoughts ranting. Hope you guys enjoy this fic!


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